How to slim down your verbal conflict, feel less guilt, and get more done!

December 16, 2007

Wouldn’t it be great to never have an arguement again? Wouldn’t it be great to never feel guilty? Wouldn’t it be fantastic to accept ourselves for who we are right now? Wouldn’t it be great to stay motivated? Although that future may seem unlikely, the following article may just help you achieve it.

There is one word that consistently causes confusion and anger. This word causes many arguements and if we can remove it from our speech, everyone will be happier!

This word causes frustration when we say it to someone else, anger when someone says it to us, and a whole bucket of mixed emotion when we say it to ourselves!

That word is Should.

The word should identifies our deeply held beliefs, and at the same time, it implies that we have not matched those beliefs.

When your behaviour falls short of your standards it creates self loathing, shame and guilt. The word should is right in there, helping those bad feelings, helping us punish ourselves.

When another’s behaviour falls short, you might feel bitter and self righteous. Again, that nasty word is brought out again, telling someone they should have done this or that. Pointing out their failures and making them feel bad.

Think about something you should do. Maybe you should get some exercise. Maybe you should not eat that chocolate. Now think about something you have done. Notice how it makes no sense to use the word should to describe something you’ve done?

This is because the word doesn’t relate to reality. No one I’ve ever met does their ‘shoulds’. Some people say they do, when they have to. Which really means they change that thing from a ‘should’ to a ‘have to’. So when you say “You should have done this” it’s pointing out a fantasy. This thing never happened, but I’m going to point it out anyway.

Unfortunately ‘Should’ is used regularly for motivate ourselves and others. It is one of the worst methods to use! It’s a poor motivation method that usually leads to last minute rushing, increased stress and poor performance. Not to mention making us feel bad in the process!

Another interesting thing about shoulds – often they work against our goals. Take for example going to the fridge for an afternoon snack. You look at the carrot, then look at the chocolate cake. You say to yourself “I shouldn’t eat the cake.” Say this to yourself now and notice how you feel. Your answer is likely nervous and guilty. You haven’t done anything yet and already you’re in trouble!

Generally we do our ‘Must’ goals. Should goals sometimes are done, but only when they become a must. People with thin bodies have must, those that want a thin body but fail usually have should.

There is nothing else for it. Avoid the use of the word ‘should’! If you hear yourself say it, rephrase the sentence immediatly without the ‘should’. At it’s simplest, changing the ‘should’ to a ‘could’ is a good start!

Change that one word and be amazed about how much easier it is to reach your goals, feel happier and get on better with others!

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